I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
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I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Cheers Twitter.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent