bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
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Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]