Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]