bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
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I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce