Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader