Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

According to math, I’m broke

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.