bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
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I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me