Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

[third date]

Her: please quit calling me Jenny

Me: oh my apologies Jennifer

Her: my name is Amanda