Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
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The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Ovenable?
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]