Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

Ah yes. The three genders