BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
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Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.