bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
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Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”