Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

When you “pspspsp” too hard

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.