bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
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friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.