Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.