Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

want me to check your oil?

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT