Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

me before I type out affect or effect

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

husband: help me choose a baby name.

me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room