My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
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90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?
DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I apologize for referring to your newborn baby as a Questionable Spinoff
A 3 year old at my son’s preschool asked me who’s grandma I am, so yes I’m getting botox Monday.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I send thank you cards to people that don’t invite me to their weddings