@mortimermaiden

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

You Might Also Like

@sofarrsogud

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

@Crunk_Jews

90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.

@goldengateblond

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

@armyVet1972

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

@ArfMeasures

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

@onlinepope

I apologize for referring to your newborn baby as a Questionable Spinoff

@not_delicate

A 3 year old at my son’s preschool asked me who’s grandma I am, so yes I’m getting botox Monday.

@sarahyehia82

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

@McNevich

I send thank you cards to people that don’t invite me to their weddings