bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
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I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
God, I love Scotland
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.