bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
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In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
They’re the worst 😩
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.