Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

Britain be like

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

and this one

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*