Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

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ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t


Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.


Here’s what I know about girls. If she’s angry, it will pass. If she goes silent, leave the country, change your name & start a new life.


Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?


People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.


Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*


*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes


Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.


No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.