Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
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[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
just left a huge legacy in there
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.