[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
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DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
One venti cheeseburger please.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.