Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

best first i’ve ever seen

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.