Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

same but as an audience member

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.