Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

Thank you corporation very cool

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

Thanks to a fan for this one.

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?