Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.