Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

Secret Panel HERE 🤘

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.