Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

*Seductively hides in the woods

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???

Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”