Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.