[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
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I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’