Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

Boating season is upon us.

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.