Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?