Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

Knock Knock

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!