All I’m saying is God wouldn’t have given me this wild hair if he didn’t want me to store stuff in it.
*baby hedgehog peaks out*
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Teller: you suck at art
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
You have to appreciate the microwave when the directions on a frozen meal say, “Cook on High for 2 minutes. Or put it in a conventional oven for five days.”
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.