[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
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Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Every house has this drawer
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS