Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

Get in loser we’re going crying

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

me

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool