I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
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King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Blew out my flip flop…
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you