Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

*ernest hemingway voice*

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.