Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.