Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories

Dieting Parents:

App Designer: It’s great, right…

Dieting Parents:…

App Designer:

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min