Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

Feels like there should be a middle ground

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose