Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

this has done me in for some reason

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

out-housing market appears to be strong

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.