Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta