Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

This sounds bad:

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music