BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
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If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen