BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
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My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
My neck, my back, my…
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet