bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
spot the difference
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
