bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
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I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Where’s my employee discount too?
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Me when my alarm goes off
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces