Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

Care for your back

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.