Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[returning from Damascus]

St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”

Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“

St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”

St Ohn: “It’s true”

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!