Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
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the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.