Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

Only short people can save us

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

gm

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*