Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

concern

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

If a snake ate a cake

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.