Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

My wife has the worst taste in men.

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.