Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

this is what they would have looked like, though

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

What even happened today?

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes