Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

If you are reading this then you are reading this

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

8, peering closely at me: what’s that?

Me: my necklace

8: How do you know?

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.