Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?

I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

There’s only one good girl here!

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…