Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

What do you text your spouse?

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”