Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

Did I do this right

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.