Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.