Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

this country is so goddamn polarized

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

I would move hell over six inches for you

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.