banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
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I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know