banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
You Might Also Like
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
crochet youtube is brutal
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Nothing.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong