Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

Kids: Stay in school.

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

I camp so other people don’t have to.

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*