banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
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Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that