Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
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me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*