Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES