Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
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My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I’m the neighbor
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her