Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.