Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
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THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try