Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one