Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

Bear knowledge

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.