Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

Not my job 😂

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT